Sunday, June 8, 2014

Becoming Something

Last night I went to a birthday party. It was for a classmate turned practicum partner turned friend. Turns out we have a few mutual friends. I love her presence. Her friends are no different. The thing I found though, was that they all seem so sure of themselves. Even in their uncertainty, they are sure. Their jokes and taste and the way they carry themselves. How do I carry myself? Am I confident? Do I seem this insecure on the outside? And then there's this little part of me that I hate to admit is big part that does not want to know in the slightest how I am seen by others. 

I've always thought that these things come naturally. That you just are. You become someone and you are that someone and you grow to be that someone. Even if I could be more sure of this unsure self that could be my identity. But I often look at myself and wonder who the heck I am. What I identify as. Where my confidence in being Dee is? Confidence is a scary word lately. For some reason, it evokes these ideas in my head of being cocky or full of yourself. And then you hear these sayings like "confident men are sexy". Women are rarely complimented on their confidence; it always being noted as a negative characteristic like not caring for others or putting yourself first. Why is it that men who are not confident labelled as a "pussy" while it's allowed assumed for women. It stretches my mind in so many directions to understand how our society has put up such small intricate boxes to indicate how we may act. Only two boxes in fact. 

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