Saturday, October 18, 2014

Back, back, back. Back again.

Dear blog/internetz/my creative side,

Last night as I was rolling around in bed in a delirious state only a good sickness could create, I had many revelations. One was that I missed writing. Missed sharing. Missed this tiny community I had been apart of. I missed reading. Reading for fun and reading for interest. I missed my spirituality. I missed having a direct purpose in my life. What am I doing?! I miss that feeling I had from kindergarten until about the first semester of grad school where I woke up each morning and squealed with delight, excited beyond belief to go to school. School has always been this magical place to me. School was designed with me in mind. The handwriting, organization, reading, note taking, socializing, sometimes competitive. I loved every part of it. But after about 19 years of straight academics, I'm tired. And I'm wondering, who am I? Who could I possibly be without school. And then I got worried. Do I keep searching for the next degree to complete because I am lost without school? School has eaten away at my whole identity. What the heck am I going to do without it. I'm so excited for life after school but then I find myself researching MBA programs across Canada.

This is what a good head cold does for me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Questions

A little piece I presented in a class this afternoon on reflexive groups and practices. 

Questions?


I am rarely sure how I want to convey what I want to convey (or what I want to convey at all).
I try to compile my learnings into a tangible box for me to share outside of myself but all that comes out is more questions. Questions?


·     I am not separate from the group, my learning as an individual is reliant on the group process – then have I learnt anything on my own?
·     How is my identity defined as being part of the group vs. being an individual 
·     Can I exist outside of the group? 
·     What is existence? 
·     What is my learning this semester if not with the group? I am dependent on the group
·     Who am I without them?
·     Who am I without the other?
·     What are they without me?

All I can know for sure is that the questions have changed.

Questions?
Changed?



All my life I’ve been asking questions.
Where am I from?
Who am I?
What does it mean to be who I really am?
Who do I really want to be?

Questions?

The questions have become less concerned about my own knowledge acquisition and more about genuine curiosity. Less about obtaining answers and more about starting a conversation, a conversation that may never have an end or an answer.

Questions.  

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Becoming Something

Last night I went to a birthday party. It was for a classmate turned practicum partner turned friend. Turns out we have a few mutual friends. I love her presence. Her friends are no different. The thing I found though, was that they all seem so sure of themselves. Even in their uncertainty, they are sure. Their jokes and taste and the way they carry themselves. How do I carry myself? Am I confident? Do I seem this insecure on the outside? And then there's this little part of me that I hate to admit is big part that does not want to know in the slightest how I am seen by others. 

I've always thought that these things come naturally. That you just are. You become someone and you are that someone and you grow to be that someone. Even if I could be more sure of this unsure self that could be my identity. But I often look at myself and wonder who the heck I am. What I identify as. Where my confidence in being Dee is? Confidence is a scary word lately. For some reason, it evokes these ideas in my head of being cocky or full of yourself. And then you hear these sayings like "confident men are sexy". Women are rarely complimented on their confidence; it always being noted as a negative characteristic like not caring for others or putting yourself first. Why is it that men who are not confident labelled as a "pussy" while it's allowed assumed for women. It stretches my mind in so many directions to understand how our society has put up such small intricate boxes to indicate how we may act. Only two boxes in fact. 


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Gratitude Notes [dos]

Courtesy of Dylan and Sara Photography


Been lagging behind in these posts but I definitely love them. Really help me to notice the positive things in my life (big and small).

I am grateful for our parent's consistent support and help. This past weekend we moved out of our apartment in Kitchener after a quick six months due to my schooling and placement being moved cities. From organizing a truck to help us out, to doing the moving, to finding space for all our stuff. We really have the best parents.

I am grateful for a little break. This week is March Break in the schools so I have four days off of my placement. However, I am still working at camp as a PSW but a little change in scenery and pace is nice so far.

I am grateful for CBC radio 2. Getting me to and from work/school each and everyday. Finally found my all-time favourite radio station that I can listen to pretty much anywhere in Canada.

I am grateful for warmer days. The past few days have been so warm that I have put my winter coat away for good. A snow storm will hit tonight and into tomorrow but I refuse to take it out again. Layering up from here on out! Hellllllllo spring.

I am grateful for my momma! My mom celebrated her 56th birthday yesterday and we were lucky enough to have dinner with her Sunday and Monday evenings. She lets out a different side of me when I'm around her. I feel a bit more carefree and funny.

And finally, I am grateful for Tuesday night yoga dates with my friend, Katherine. After not getting out too much in the previous week, my whole body is aching and I love it. I love everything about yoga. Tonight I had some misses, lost my balance, and some successes! (holding crow for the longest and sturdiest in my life!).

Monday, March 10, 2014

Teenage Daze

The other day, Netflix made a suggestion for me to watch Dance Academy. For some reason I just eat up dance movies and shows. Maybe it's a nod to my days of competitive dance or just a genre I enjoy (ugh weird). I honestly couldn't stop smiling today because after watching like 20 episodes in two days I had this giddy teenagery jump in my step. First loves, first kiss, awkward breakups, fights with best friends. For some reason it all really got to me this weekend. It made me think about those make out sessions I had in my high school hallways. About what a big deal it was to hold hands with someone when you were twelve. And all the fluctuating emotions and how every feeling was a big feeling. Sometimes I miss that daily passion. Sometimes I'm happy I'm a bit more successful at regulating myself these days (definitely not everyday).



Dance Academy Showreel from Dance Academy on Vimeo.

Friday, March 7, 2014

Last Night as Big People For Awhile

Tonight Ryan and I (and Zoey) are spending our last night together in our apartment. Tomorrow is the big move out of here. Since I was placed back in our hometown for my Master's practicum, it just didn't make sense for us to be paying rent and live in a different city. Driving in the car on the way here, I was so upset. I just loved this apartment and even though we had only spent 3-4 months here all I could think about were the memories we already made. Zoey running around in her first halloween costume. All the recipes we experimented with. Waiting by the window with Zoey, watching Ryan pull into the driveway. Hiding each other love notes.

It's the end of an era but I guess everyone moves back home at some point (that's a thing our generation still does right? RIGHT?!). Thought we would get that in before we get married next year. I joke about how we're going backwards. How we got engaged, moved in together, and now moving back home to our parents' homes. Maybe it won't be so bad in the end though. To get ourselves organized, stable, and ready before we do it again for reals.

One more year.

Well actually 13.5 months but who's counting?

Finding Inspiration


Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Simplicity

I yearn for thoughts of sipping a latte and having all the time in the world to pull out my fully charged laptop and write for hours. Sadly, rarely do I have time to get to a coffee shop and just sit. I'm either impatiently waiting for my drink or wishing I left early enough to stop at all. But still, those are the images that float in the back of my mind lately. Probably a sign I should be having that more in my life.

This past weekend I looked at my blog and felt like it did not fit me anymore. It was too colourful, too preppy, too chevron-y. There was just too much going on in general. I needed a more sleek, simple, but modern look. After a few hours of pondering and getting some voting in from Ryan we settled on this one you would be seeing now. I actually love it.

Funny how things can imply meaning in other parts of your life. Needing to change things up and feel more simplistically beautiful. I recently changed my career plan, learned I want to get back to my roots and try my hand at writing short stories, and start seriously (I mean seriously) saving money. Simple enough changes but also exciting and different.

I want to write more from the soul. Listen to music and feel like I used to in high school when I listened to Ingrid Michaelson or The Cranberries. Everything was so raw. I want to paint. I want to go outside and run. Movement is art, too. I want to learn more about myself.

Friday, February 28, 2014

Visions

There's a saying that has been echoing in my mind for the past two months.

If you wake up two days in a row feeling uninspired, change something. 

It's a rarity for me to go on with my day without that excited, passionate feeling. More often than not I just don't know how to live my life without those feelings. This means I am constantly shooting than more than I have. Some, even myself at times, may think that I do not value what I have right in front of me. That's not true in the slightest. I am in love with every opportunity that I am given and see the learning in everything I invest myself in.

I believe we are given one life to experience so many things and I mind as well live it to my maximum potential. What's scary and amazing is that I have no idea what that potential really is. Where it will take me. What it looks like. What it feels like.

It can be hard to feel confident in the uncertainty of always changing and planning the future. It's about learning how to find comfort in the uncomfortable. Being confidence in simply being.

More now than ever I am trying to find out what it actually means to be true to myself.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Awesome Day Turned Sour Turned Sweet Again

Today was my first day of practicum and it was awesome. Met with my supervisor(s) and had a relaxing introduction to the next six months. It was nice that the weather was a bit shady still since the buses to the school were cancelled so barely any students were there. Gave us a nice opportunity to get a tour of the school and meet some staff. Although I won't be working in the school I was in today it was still a great time. My classmate Anna and I will be working closely together and it was great getting to know her a little bit better today. I first met her in one of my classes in September and quickly recognized what an amazing person she was. Unfortunately, I didn't have the opportunity to spend that much time with her as we didn't have any assignments together. Really looking forward to this placement with her. We won't be working directly with one another but lots of opportunity to do projects and programs together.

I was so pumped after my day today. I was ready for a great night for my other friend, Katherine. I adore her and we have gotten really close since this summer. She's the one that really introduced me to working at lululemon and she's actually a big inspiration in my life these days. We had planned to go to yoga and have a tea date afterwards. It was literally the perfect end to the day. But, my car has been having troubles for the last while and of course it had to act up today. I didn't make it to yoga and I could just see Katherine there doing her tree pose, looking around the room and seeing I didn't make it. I felt like I had stood up my girlfriend. I sent a teary text message and was so worried she wouldn't respond out of anger, betrayal, and frustration. But she did! And she invited me to her house for a tea date still. After a very stressful evening, it was just what I needed.

Thanks to friends for being amazing. Feeling all kinds of friendship love tonight.

Monday, January 6, 2014

Gratitude Notes [1]

One of my goals for the year of 2014 was to start writing gratitude notes. When I first wrote that one the list I thought of it as a time I would literally write out some notes to give to the people and places that inspired me, coached me, helped me, and deserved some type of acknowledgement. But tonight when I sat down to write a post I thought that writing these notes more regularly was a pretty sweet idea as well.

I am grateful for snow days. We knew a big storm was heading in over night but we were not sure at all how bad it would really be. Turned out that even as a "drive in any weather at any time" gal, the weather this morning was way too dangerous. It was great to have an extra day of holiday with no work and to get a kick-start on the Hol:Fit cleanse without being super stressed out.

I am grateful for puppy cuddles. It must have been the weather today but Zoey was just so cuddly today.

I am grateful for the comfort of living in a house with heating. I thought many times today of those who are not as fortunate as I am and are looking for spaces in shelters or churches around the city. I can't even begin to imagine what they must be going through during this cold, cold bouts of weather.

I am grateful for avocados. Yum.

I am grateful for spending some more time with Ryan before my busy schedule kicks in. We lounged around all day (not new for us) but it was great to have some time just the two of us before the madness starts.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Back to the Grind with a Detox Cleanse

Today is the last day of my holidays. I remember my last day of class about a month and a half ago and wondering what the heck I was going to do with all that time. I have dreams of reading an endless amount of books, catching up on some research and literature for school, organizing the apartment, and so many other things. Turns out I was insanely busy with work and although stressful at times, looking back on it tonight it really was a blast. I read a bit but definitely not as much as I wished. Organized a bit but not as much as I should have.

Working at lululemon introduced me to a number of awesome people in our community here in London, Ontario or as we like to call them, ambassadors. Ange Peters is one of those people. She is the founder and creator of Hol:Fit, a nutrition, fitness, and wellness website and community. So when I heard that she was heading up a detox cleanse after the holidays, I knew I had to jump up and take action. Today I spent my day shopping for my weekly goodies, working a shift at work, and then planning my whole week.


And as always the Erin Condren planner is working amazingly and I love every inch of it. 


Excited to see how this week will turn out!  

Friday, January 3, 2014

Insecurity and Uncertainty

Today I feel grateful for those times I feel unsure, questioning, curious, and sometimes wrong. That uncomfortable feeling when you are not right, confident, or certain. I feel like that's when I really become myself. Being secure everyday of my life would allow little growth and development. Today while working I felt like I just kept screwing up. I didn't have the confidence to make smart and quick decisions. I've always felt that is one of the biggest keys to success is humble confidence. Working at lululemon for the last month has been a constant learning experience. I often wonder if I will ever be at that comfort level you get to. But I feel like that speaks volumes to the type of work lululemon provides to their employees and what most great jobs should have: constant learning opportunities and uncertainty. Don't you just hate those people that think they know everything?! It's because they haven't been forced to question themselves or be challenged.

As much as it's a struggle on my emotionally sensitive self to get through those moments, it's hours later (like right now) that I can appreciate the struggle. But like many others out there I wonder whether those I work with notice the uncertainty or if they see the learning too.

Either way, I'm grateful.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

That Goal List


This here is a big year for me. I celebrate my champagne birthday this year! 23 on the 23rd. I have literally been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember. Weird, I know. But in middle school I developed a severe obsession with all things 23 (not like the movie 23 but close in a happier way). For a quick explanation...I was born on the 23rd, 2 times 3 is 6 the month I was born in (June), Ryan asked me to be his girlfriend on January 23rd, 2004 and his partner forever on July 23rd, 2013.

So what better way to kick this year off right than a list of 23 things to accomplish. Now as much as I am a lister I'm not the best with commitment and fully accomplishing things I've set out before in the past. Originally I was thinking I would make this list simple, easy but fun things to get done. HOW BORING. NO! I've re-decided that in order to invest into this at all I need to set some dramatic, inspiring, challenging goals worth tracking and checking off. So with the help of my life partner here we are:

1. Blog once a day for a year - I gotta document this don't I?!
2. Run at least 3 road races
3. Go on a hot air balloon ride
4. Watch all Battlestar Galactica and Dr. Who episodes
5. Book all wedding related things
6. Write gratitude letters
7. Watch the sunrise
8. Learn one new recipe each week (that's 52 dishes!)
9. Go on 2 mini road-trips
10. Volunteer somewhere I never have before
11. Pay my credit card regularly
12. Limit electronics time on Sundays to one hour
13. Run the Seawheeze half-marathon in Vancouver, BC
14. Go to my first NHL game
15. Start learning American Sign Language
16. More date nights with my momma
17. Get my first mala beads
18. Hold a hand stand for 10 seconds
19. Get a mani/pedi
20. Write a poem
21. Throw Ryan a kickass 23rd birthday too!
22. Be intentional. Write a daily intention each morning.
23. Drink champagne on my champagne birthday


Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Ringing in 2014 with New Visions, Friends, and Love

I am so grateful to have spent the last month starting a new job at lululemon athletica in a mall in my hometown. It's been a perfect time to jump start a new life and new outlook and new passions. One of my favourite things about the company is their focus on development and potential. On my first day of training we did an exercise on working on our 10-year vision (you can check it out here too). Now I've always loved lists and goals but I'd never sat down to create a vision before. It's really helped me feel more grounded, determined, and purposeful in my day-to-day life.


Thanks to lululemon I've made way more connections in the community in order to commit to a healthier and more active life in 2014. This past year was full of huge milestones: earning my first degree, getting accepted to grad school, getting engaged, moving in together, and putting a deposit down on our wedding venue. I was so lucky to have my three best friends drive down to my place to spend new years eve together. One of the best new years I've ever spent eating Thai, drinking wine, chatting endlessly and falling asleep way too early! I see 2014 as a transitional year. One full of even more planning - wedding planning, career planning, lots of time management between school, practicum, and work. So I want to commit myself fully to the 2014 year of growth, development, and living an intentional life!

My first plans? A seven day detox with Hol Fit, finishing my 15 day run-a-day challenge, and creating some exciting yet achievable goals for the year.

Love!