I wish I could tell you that the beginning of my fourth year is everything I hoped it would be and more. I wish I could tell you that I'm feeling inspired and ready to conquer anything. But right now I'm feeling scared, nervous, anxious and all-around awkward. All I can think each day is that it's a day closer to the end. A day I lost not making enough connections or the right connections. And I don't necessarily mean in friends but in professors and references. I am freaking out.
Am I saying the right thing? Am I coming off too strong or more likely not strong enough? Will I actually be ready to apply to grad school in the next few months?
I'm missing that pizzaz in my life. That spunk. That all-around Dee-ness that makes me that crazy, organized, outgoing girl I am. I am still all of those things but I feel that I'm holding back. That I'm not shouting out to the world (professors) what I want to do after this year. It's hard! But I know I am on the right track.
I met with one of my professors after class today (the first time I have ever done such a thing) to talk about speaking in front of our entire class on a topic regarding families. I wanted to sit and chat about my experiences, where I've come from, what I want to do but all I could do was stare at the sun outside of his office, sip my tea and think about how utterly boiling I was wearing a jacket and pants in 24 degree weather. I literally told him three times that I would be back next week with my write up to rehearse with him. The only saving grace was that he seemed just as awkward as I did but I blame it on his current cold and superior intelligence.
One thing I did realize today that staying up until 3am the night before a 13 hour day of class, work and meetings only makes me tired and see above - not my usual Dee-self. That I don't communicate well past 12:00am and that I might be more focused with pen to paper instead of finger to keyboard.