Monday, February 27, 2017

Girl, Woman, Girl

Sometimes, 
I put this pressure on 
To be the one, to be something 
Sometimes. 

So I get renewed, 
I get excited 
To be something I haven't yet been. 

Oh, the variety
The possibilities, 
To be something I've just dreamed.

But it's not long when I realize, 
That who I was, who I am 
Is never far from reality. 

When the clouds roll in, 
and the skies change texture,
I know it's time to get back in. 

Sometimes, 
I put this pressure on 
To be the one, to be something 
Sometimes. 



On being a "young professional"

...live more out of intent.:
I woke up this morning feeling rested because of a great sleep but also exhausted because of going to bed later than usual while thinking about all the things I needed to get done this week.

As I came into work, I wasn't feeling dread or hatred against going to the office but I wasn't feeling joy, excitement, or purpose. I'd almost much rather be angry at my job than have no purpose - better to feel it than feel nothing at all, right?

So I did some simple google research and read some quick articles to get me back on track.

One of the hardest transitions in my life has been the last 2 years. I have absolutely loved, cared for, and nourished all my time in school. I loved every minute of it, the learning, the studying, the late night writing, the early morning studying, all of it. Being a student in and of itself was my passion. Although I loved school, at the end of my Masters I was ready for the next step but oh-so scared so I didn't commit to anything. In my mind, commitment was a chance of failure. I could never fail as a student, I could only keep trying and keep learning and keep getting better. I had a very good inkling that real life wasn't quite the same.

So I flip-flopped. I flip-flopped all over the freaking place. I wanted to be a lawyer. Then I wanted to use my social work degree in the corporate world. Then I found corporate consulting. Then I missed working closely with people. Then I went back to corporate. Then I wanted to use my degree more. Then I went back to studying to be a lawyer. Then I realized I wanted to have decent work-life balance (and money) so I pursued jobs in my field. Then I got a job in the perfect field to do what I had always wanted. And now what?...

I went from being at the top of the academic food chain, hitting every bench mark and exceeding it to the real world were there were no concrete benchmarks, everyone was chasing different ones, and the path was the most unclear it had ever been for me (and continues to be...there is no resolution to this right now). Being the youngest in grad school meant people admired me and thought highly of me, not tooting my own horn as I certainly did not feel this way. In the real world, being the youngest in my office, at every meeting, every group facilitation, every consultation is getting hard to maneuver.

I guess what I am learning is that it seems I have always had a great self-concept and confidence on the outside but often severely lacking it where it really mattered...from myself to myself. I no longer have that concrete knowing of success from academia. That achievement and receiving a certain grade and knowing I did a good job. Now, in the real world I somehow have to decide for myself. Yet also love myself enough to be gentle. Give myself a good grade, yet politely encourage myself to do better.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Oh hello, old thang

Wow.

This past week I was working on de-cluttering my online presence. That meant going through email accounts, social profiles, and blogs - yes plural - and pruning off the edges of me that no longer fit. Lo and behold I stumbled over this here blog and I fell in love with every entry all over again.

There was something about the feeling, passion, mindset I had when I wrote on this blog as a student and blossoming adult. There were no limitations, every experience was new, and I felt like I could do anything. What an incredible feeling and place to be.

Since my last time posting I/we have:

  • Got a puppy who is almost 4 years old now
  • Rented a wicked apartment in the best area of London
  • Got married to my best friend
  • Graduated with my Masters degree
  • Went on our honeymoon 
  • Completed some of the goals on my goal list 
  • Still working on some of the goals on my goal list 
  • Got my first "big girl" job
  • Quit my first "big girl" job 
  • Got a new car
  • Bought our first house 
  • Found out I'm going to be an aunt 
  • Am almost a certified yoga teacher 

I haven't fully decided if I will continue to write here or not just yet. Whether to officially close this chapter and open another. Or carry this oh-so needed spirit forward and continue with my past-self inspiring me each step of the way. 

The more I look through posts the more I feel like it is time to move on and create something new for myself. But maybe before I figure that out - I will figure it out here. 

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Back, back, back. Back again.

Dear blog/internetz/my creative side,

Last night as I was rolling around in bed in a delirious state only a good sickness could create, I had many revelations. One was that I missed writing. Missed sharing. Missed this tiny community I had been apart of. I missed reading. Reading for fun and reading for interest. I missed my spirituality. I missed having a direct purpose in my life. What am I doing?! I miss that feeling I had from kindergarten until about the first semester of grad school where I woke up each morning and squealed with delight, excited beyond belief to go to school. School has always been this magical place to me. School was designed with me in mind. The handwriting, organization, reading, note taking, socializing, sometimes competitive. I loved every part of it. But after about 19 years of straight academics, I'm tired. And I'm wondering, who am I? Who could I possibly be without school. And then I got worried. Do I keep searching for the next degree to complete because I am lost without school? School has eaten away at my whole identity. What the heck am I going to do without it. I'm so excited for life after school but then I find myself researching MBA programs across Canada.

This is what a good head cold does for me.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Questions

A little piece I presented in a class this afternoon on reflexive groups and practices. 

Questions?


I am rarely sure how I want to convey what I want to convey (or what I want to convey at all).
I try to compile my learnings into a tangible box for me to share outside of myself but all that comes out is more questions. Questions?


·     I am not separate from the group, my learning as an individual is reliant on the group process – then have I learnt anything on my own?
·     How is my identity defined as being part of the group vs. being an individual 
·     Can I exist outside of the group? 
·     What is existence? 
·     What is my learning this semester if not with the group? I am dependent on the group
·     Who am I without them?
·     Who am I without the other?
·     What are they without me?

All I can know for sure is that the questions have changed.

Questions?
Changed?



All my life I’ve been asking questions.
Where am I from?
Who am I?
What does it mean to be who I really am?
Who do I really want to be?

Questions?

The questions have become less concerned about my own knowledge acquisition and more about genuine curiosity. Less about obtaining answers and more about starting a conversation, a conversation that may never have an end or an answer.

Questions.